Tuesday, December 15, 2009

TASTY TASTY MURDER

I'm convinced that Paula Deen is trying to kill me and everyone in my family. I came to this reallization slowly, but it is all making sense now....

First, it was the Krispy Kreme burger, a 1/2 pound burger topped with cheese, bacon, and a fried egg, all encased in a glazed donut bun. I thought, "wow, this lady is sick," but I let it go at that without too much further thought.

A little while later, I came across her deep fried stuffing sticks... buttery stuffing full of breakfast sausage, pressed around a stick, and deep fried like a corn dog. I wondered, "how is this lady even alive right now? That does sound pretty tasty, though..."

I started to get suspicious when deep fried mac and cheese came on the scene. Giant squares of already heart stoppingly delicious mac and cheese are wrapped with bacon, coated in cracker crust, and deep fried. My conscience said, "wow, that actually sounds kind of good, but I could never... no...that is just sick."

And then I discovered her deep fried ham. She takes an entire ham, with the skin on, deep fries it, and coats it with a sugary glaze. Without thinking, the Steve inside my head went..."my brother in law has a deep fryer... I wonder what we're all going to eat for the New Year... and I wonder where a person can buy a large ham with the skin on??"

And that's where it hit me... Only one of two possibilities can be true:
Either Paula Deen somehow fell in love with me and is trying to capture my heart, or she is an evil genius bent on mass destruction. But she couldn't be in love with me...if she had a heart, it would have clogged and stopped years ago.

The only logical conclusion is that Paula Deen is a murdering zombie, and her deep fried ham is the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, set to go off at the next family gathering...

Here's the recipe for the ham from food network...

Brine:
1 gallon water
1 gallon apple cider
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup kosher salt
2 cinnamon sticks
4 cloves
10 pound uncooked ham
Peanut oil, for frying, about 5 gallons
Glaze:
3 cups pineapple juice
1 (8-ounce) can crushed pineapple with juice
1/2 cup Dijon mustard
1 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 cup honey
Directions: In a large plastic tub, place all of the brine ingredients and stir until dissolved. Place the ham in the brine and refrigerate overnight. The following day, take the ham out of the brine and dry well.
Fill your turkey fryer with the peanut oil. Heat the oil to 375 degrees F. Place the ham carefully inside the fryer. Cook for 7 1/2 minutes per pound. The ham will be cooked when it is 160 degrees F. inside. Remove the ham carefully, letting it cool off and drain of excess oil for about 10 to 15 minutes.
Glaze: Combine all the ingredients in a medium saucepan on low heat and let reduce until a syrupy consistency. Let the glaze cool slightly and then pour it over the deep fried ham. Serve any extra glaze on the side to the victims.

"I'm not gonna hurt Y'all... who wants a snack???

1 comment:

Lisa Young said...

Hilarious. I think all desserts are trying to kill me. I, of course, am completely innocent and helpless.